“The Certainty of Misery or the Misery of Uncertainty”

Picture taken by Chuck Willmarth – Thank you Chuck!

Upon arriving in Annapolis and anchoring in Spa Creek we were greeted the next morning by Stanley on a nicely maintained aluminum work boat; ‘Dockmaster’ emblazoned on it side in big letters. Stanley is tall, thin, fit and philosophical. He introduced himself, asked for our phone number and any other pertinent contact information and then genuinely inquired as to our plans and liveaboard status.

He shared with us quickly that he would someday like to go cruising, and that he had been ‘out there’ in his earlier years. He asked us how we like the life so far. Then he offered these words with the preface that there is no ideal situation and that we all really have a choice in life and that is to either embrace “The Certainty of Misery or the Misery of Uncertainty”. Thank you Stanley for giving my brain something to chew on for awhile, and the look of understanding in your eyes. He is just one of those people you meet and know he is an old soul. He has been around the block and he gets it…’it’, being in my mind, what is truly important in life.

With that, Stanley said, “We Love You Guys” – I assumed that ‘We’ meant the team of the Annapolis Harbor Master office and/or those in the human race that believe in taking chances, living differently, even if it is uncomfortable and filled with some level of uncertainty. Dreaming big, and then making that dream happen is all a worthy pursuit in Life, is what I gleaned from Stanley.

The shot Stanley gave me in the proverbial arm that morning of positive energy, affirmation, and understanding was just what I needed after weeks of storms rolling through on the Wye River (one of which was potentially going to emulate last year’s Derecho that created the damage that occupied the last eight months of our lives while we put the boat back together), dealing with the comments of some in my family about how they “Hate ‘That’ boat”, and having to fix the new pin hole leaks in our diesel fuel tank that presented themselves after we anchored on the Wye.

There are always those moments for me when I ask myself, “Is all of this effort on the boat truly worth it?” Typically I ask this as I am dealing with some big project on the boat, elbow deep in dirt and smelly fluid of some sort, trying to piece something back together that won’t seem to fit but did at one point – or enduring some nasty weather or wave pattern on passage that I have absolutely no control over.

While this may seem to some as negative self talk, I can tell you that I feel it is extremely healthy for me to question. Cruising has opened up this window into quality of Life that I didn’t have access to before in my land life.  While I was living on land and holding down a job I didn’t ask myself the question frequently enough. “Is this ‘fill in the blank’ worth all this effort I am exerting? The blank could be filled in with Job, Mortgage, Volunteer Position, Relationship, House Renovation, the list goes on. I didn’t, prior to Cruising, take an inventory frequently enough, or with the mindfulness I now feel is a necessity to happiness in my life.

I realize now I was on autopilot a lot in my land based life. I didn’t question enough, and I didn’t value my time and life as much as I now know I owe myself. In the vain of Stanley’s quote he shared, I most certainly was living in “The Certainty of Misery”…well, maybe not ‘Misery’, but I definitely wasn’t questioning how the trappings of my life were controlling my days, and the hours. I know that I found a sense of comfort in the predictable. Somedays I ask myself, ‘Was that really so bad?’, to know that at 9 a.m. on a Friday I would be at work and that at 6 p.m. I would be home cooking dinner and relishing some time at home… I sit now untethered by a home base and ask myself serious questions such as “What is the healthiest lifestyle for me Now?” Balance is important I believe in life…how do I balance this adventurous lifestyle I have undertaken with the necessity of time with my family, and feeling a sense of home and predictability? Is it even possible?

There are no easy answers to these questions. Stanley’s words stuck with me for days after our interaction. His quote so nicely sums up that Certainty may seem comforting, and the human condition naturally gravitates to certainty for some sense of control of one’s environment. Embracing the Uncertainty and not struggling against the natural order of the Universe, while riddled with its own flavor of Misery, I believe accommodates the space for the unexpected Greatness of Life to occur. While the railing against our wanting to feel comfort in knowing what tomorrow brings tends to be one nature of being human, I believe it is a construct of our minds to control our very wild, and unpredictable life and we are only kidding ourselves. While cruising aboard s/v Alchemy at times can be unsettling, unpredictable, and sometimes downright uncomfortable…there is no denying for me that it emulates the truth of my Life. Nothing is forever, there is a large amount of life that cannot be controlled, and tomorrow surely will bring with it the unexpected – both good and bad. I feel that cruising for me at the moment is a proving ground and boot camp to strengthen me for those inevitabilities in life that come all of our ways…the ones that can break us, and our hearts.

While embracing this reality, and seeing it emulated by living aboard at times can truly bring me to my knees, there is comfort in knowing I am living in the least denial I ever have, growing stronger everyday, and that Life now has a kaleidescope of depth it did not possess before as I plodded along the same path. So for now it is the Misery of Uncertainty for me…the leaving room for good surprises and new challenges, and the striving to balance that with the internal knowledge of who I am becoming…of getting in touch with my own inner strength, and a new me. It is about giving myself license to take the time and space to figure it out and understanding that I am worthy of it. There is something about living between the sky and the sea and the ever changing depths under the keel that strengthens my Spirit and my Resolve.