• In Praise of Vulnerability…

    Posted on September 29, 2013 by Gretchen in Cruising, Sailing, Uncategorized.

    s/v Alchemy leaving Rockland Harbor, ME for Onset, MA Photograph care of Patricia Thompson aboard s/v Equus.

     

    I have been attempting to recreate some of our passages, both coastal and offshore in the Ocean, so I can share them with blog readers in writing. I am amazed at how truly different each one is due to the weather, the sea state of the Ocean, and internal states of being at the time. While every passage has been a good one, there is always a challenge whether it be the weather conditions, mechanical issues, or how we are both feeling physically and mentally.

    I woke up yesterday morning at 3 a.m. My mind was wide awake and reeling. We are in the midst of negotiations to possibly purchase a larger, heavier boat. The owner had shared his notebooks with us of the mechanical refit and history of his own purchase of the boat sixteen years ago. The first notebook contained copious notes about the process of refitting the
    boat, but what caught my attention, was the list he made prior to his boat purchase which was entitled, if I am remembering correctly, “My Perfect Sea-Worthy Yacht”.

    As I laid in my berth contemplating this, and ticking down the list mentally, it occurred to me the list was motivated by a desire to insulate himself against potential disaster at sea. How he wanted a very heavily built boat. One with extremely strong bulkhead, and the potential to build ‘crash zones’ so that if the boat ever hit something puncturing the glass that
    there would be a place for the potential water to go and be held, instead of sinking the boat by running throughout it. There was description of how he liked pilot houses but that they might be too vulnerable for his liking in large seas and could fill with water more easily if a portlight was damaged.

    It gave me comfort to know that I am not the only one that imagines all kinds of potential disaster. It has earned me merit badges aboard s/v Alchemy as ‘the pessimist’, a control freak at times, the anxiety prone one, etc…

    It is my feeling that there are times to be a bit concerned, to not just assume it is all going to be alright, but to be proactive about making plans in case of emergency, and to think about safety. Being on a boat in my personal opinion is the perfect time to see the glass as half empty when you are out in a big, big Ocean bobbing like a cork.

    However, there is a balance they say and I am aware that as of late some of my self-preserving pessimism is a real drag on me and Chris. I start feeding the monster days before we leave on any substantial Ocean hop or passage. I start checking the weather patterns (which is good) but then my stomach starts producing acid like a fountain you would find in any major city
    park.

    The process continues right up until the day we leave with butterflies in my stomach and nerves. I frequently ask myself, “I do like this, right???”

    Why do I put myself through this? If being away from shore more than 25 miles on a boat evokes such anxiety many would say just don’t do it. There are times that I swear I will never do it again…however the frequent beauty, awe, feeling of accomplishment, and frequent important life lessons are just too valuable to me to turn my back on.

    I realized in that moment of insomnia laying in the berth, that the silent motivator of lists of “Perfect Yachts” and the instigator of my butterflies days before we take on Ocean passages is the human condition we call ‘Vulnerability’.

    Vulnerability is a natural state of being human. Yes, we are strong beyond measure but we are not invincible. For my own growth it has been important for me to realize both of these characteristics in myself. Recognizing vulnerability, and truly embracing it, is not a process that American culture, in my opinion, practices or promotes. In this culture we dodge it.

    It is all about a brave face, and not being too revealing in the pain department. Maybe it is also an innate animal instinct…if you appear vulnerable the pack might turn on you and you might be tonight’s dinner. Whatever the reason, I feel the Ocean is the ‘anti-Tony Robbins’, meaning for every motivational speaker there is in the world there are numerous water
    molecules out there to remind you that you really aren’t ‘all that’. I think that is an important lesson.

    No matter how much money or power you have, no matter how much you accumulate, or how self actualized you become there will always be that which you have absolutely no control over. No one is immune from possible devastating illness, or tragedy, or death… Yet, in many cultures the norm is to push all of this away mentally until your number is up, and only then do you have to deal with it, however ‘it’ manifests in your life. A person maybe has never had to deal with whatever devastation they are staring in the face, and because they may have lived in a culture that pushes all of that ‘negativity’ away, they are left unpracticed at coping with these challenges. They may feel extremely alone because no one else knows how to cope with the challenges either, and the familiarity with the issues on some instinctual level scares many, subconsciously treating the issues as if they may be contagious.

    The point is that going out in the Ocean, on a small sailing boat, will very quickly bring you right up to that edge where you feel your vulnerability in technicolor. Where it will slide up against your heart and soul like the finest of sand paper, whittling your ego down to a smooth surface, to where you are just at any moment willing to get on your knees and pray to whoever your God may be.

    Maybe some of my readers live in that grace everyday. Maybe they are able to keep perspective and not get caught up in lofty thinking and ego-based living but it is not easy in a culture that worships ‘Success’ with a capital ‘S’, and doesn’t refer to self actualization as what success is, but more what kind of car you drive, how much you have in the bank, and whether you
    are powerful.

    I have been very lucky to have experienced my health fail at an early age, and to have had something, while still mysterious to some degree to the modern medical community in regards to treatment, is not a death sentence to most. It was one of the darkest periods in my life to wake up every morning with a new symptom or something else not working in my body and have no name for what was affecting my body. At the time it didn’t feel like a blessing, but it has been. It became the framework for me to realize that absolutely nothing should be taken for granted, and that I am stronger in some ways than I ever knew before, I am simultaneously just a drop in the Ocean.

    That experience of getting so sick literally overnight, and the struggle to regain my health, coincided with my application to Massage Therapy School. I had applied before I had become symptomatic and had to put off going for a semester but the illness was just the extra-credit curriculum I received. I realize now that my training and my work in the treatment room are
    all a celebration of the human spirit, both our immense strength, and our vulnerability. Just like yin and yang, we couldn’t have one without the other. Strength and Success would mean nothing if Vulnerability did not exist.

    The work I have done in the Bodywork realm frequently involves creating a safe space, the treatment room, where a person in pain, both physically and/or mentally can enter and lay it all down to be acknowledged, treated, and brought back to the door of their body’s innate ability to heal. It is an awareness and acknowledgment of the complete human – the immense strength and brave face can be given a rest – and the Vulnerability can be celebrated. It is a shame that it takes a process of closing a door to the world at large, the requirement of another human to give one in pain license to be vulnerable, and then the creation of a safe place…I dream of a world where this process can happen even in the light of day, on the street, and is the norm.

    And so it is that the Ocean is my treatment room. While it is not always quite as subtle as the work I do with clients, it certainly is effective. Much like a treatment session on my table, my tissues may be sore after a passage and I may feel like I have mentally taken a long journey. I am typically much more centered, and distraction is decreased. The analogy is uncanningly similiar.

    Creating competition and ego, use of subtleties of manipulation, and controlling others are all ways to rail against embracing one’s vulnerability. Proving to the world that above all I am the smart-est, the pretti-est, the handsome-est, the fitt-est, the nic-est – fill in your own -est – is a way to manifest pain and hurt in the world sometimes directly, but also indirectly. It leaves no room for anyone else and their value in the world…nor does it promote each of us to celebrate our own unique selves and to practice support, compassion, and friendship. Competition is fine on an even playing field but when it manifests itself in people’s personal lives I am almost certain it is not healthy.

    Even after counting my struggles, my losses, the toll we all pay for living…even after feeling less than perfect when my body crumpled up for a little while, and I felt like I may never be the same physically, with some pretty big lessons, I know I still don’t embrace Vulnerability with a big welcome in my life and so the Ocean sets up a testing ground of sorts for me. It meets me head on, no pretense. It is an honest, ego-less, strong force that only threatens at any moment to overcome me, not exploit me – but through honesty; not pulling my hair, ripping the chair out from under me when I go to sit down, or manipulating my life for the good of its own need to feel self worth.

    If our culture at large only turns on those who are experiencing a weak moment, only exaults individuality, and denies an aspect of its humaness, on the whole I believe there can be no compassion for oneself or others, or any Peace, in a greater sense. I think the first step is to turn to Nature. Turning our eyes to the Ocean, to the Trees, to life on a cellular level,
    looking upon Nature first, and then reflecting on how we walk amongst it, that I believe is the first step in healing the Earth, and consequently healing ourselves…

     

     

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